Archived Interviews

[muthagoose]

INTERVIEW: Steve "Stomper" Johnson
An Interview by Muthagoose Escobar and Snake McMaki

Do you ever get tired of being called the son of a living legend?
No, not really, although being called Little Nut by thousands of people I don’t know gets kind of old. Seriously, it’s great that most of the dudes who played football in Talbot County have seen my dad’s balls. Thanks dad, I appreciate that!

Do you have a lot of problems with the police?
First and foremost, Fuck Tha’ Police! Bitches are always tryin’ to keep a nigga down. Anyone have $3500 I can borrow?

Well, how about drugs then? Has Stomper ever put the crack in cracker?
Never touch drugs, unless you’re taking alcohol into consideration. Using drugs may end up coming back to haunt me when the State decides to drug test me. We all know it would be a sad day for The Stomper if he lost his job and state benefits. Working an entire month would just plain suck. As for the crack issue, talk to Ma$on. I hear he’s well connected.

Do you get any bizarre fan mail?
Ma$on, stop sending me your panties!

What is the kinkiest request you ever said no to?
I’ve never said no to anything kinky that involves a woman and I stress WOMAN. Sorry PMX, I’m not gay. Stop calling me!

Ever think of bringing back the Kid N' Play flattop hairdo from the 80's?
I’ve thought about. When you have as much hair on your head as I do, you can pretty much do whatever you feel like doing. My hair is out of control. Take a look the next time you see me. Besides, I’m a huge fan of Kid N’ Play. Come on, who didn’t love House Party 2? As a matter of fact, I think I may have a Pajama-Jammy-Jam in the next couple of weeks.

The hell with The ETL, what's it like living on The Hellmouth?
It sucks! The water is tainted. The water here destroyed the legendary Tithat. Must be groundwater recharge from the bathwater of all the crazy ass bitches and rapists in this hellhole. It was a sad day when I had to throw Tithat away. Every once in a while, you can still make out the scent of cigarettes and cheap perfume. God, that almost brings a tear to my eye.

What was it like when you snuck out for good to go to New York to model?
I’m very proud of my modeling career. I can only hope that those underwear ads I did brought joy to millions of people. Did I mention that the Stomper 2004 Calendar will be out in a couple of weeks?

Mav or Mas?
Definitely Ma$on. What’s there not to like about a coke sniffing, future statutory rapist?

What else do you love?
Hands down, the prom date’s breasts. In one word, DELICIOUS! Those fucking things are great. I’m sure most of the people reading this will agree.

Do you feel like a rockstar?
Yes. Rent the movie Rock Star, starring Mark Wahlberg. Shit is the story of my life, well except for the part where he goes pussy and starts singing some gay shit in front of a bunch of fuckers drinking coffee. Coffee is for pussies, nothing but Mt. Dew and alcohol for The Stomper.

What is your groupie situation?
Lately I’ve had to fight the bitches off with a stick. All the ladies what a piece of The Stomper. Unfortunately, I fear this has caused some backlash within my crowd of friends. Been watching my back lately. Motherfuckers got me feeling like Biggie and shit, always looking over my shoulder. I have a feeling that a contract has been taken out on my life. This interview may contain my last words.

What is the biggest misconception that people have about being a young, single celebrity?
People think you can just start hanging out with anyone you want. What the fuck, Haim and Feldman? You two motherfuckers too cool to hang out with me. Fuck you guys, I was your biggest fan and you couldn’t even let me hang out for a few minutes. I hated you in The Lost Boys, License to Drive, and Dream a Little Dream! Sorry, lost my cool there.

Ever have a problem with overly aggressive male fans?
Again, PMX stop calling me! I’m not gay! What’s with the panties anyway Ma$on?

Is it true that you were almost mugged by gangbangers on your way to an audition for "Baywatch"?
Almost! Those motherfuckers tried, but I smoked them with my nickel-plated nine. The nine was part of my costume on the set of Bizzaywizzatch: Lizzong Bizzeach.

If you were a pro-assfuckr what would your name be?
I think all of us who went to Myrtle Beach know the answer to this one. Sir Loin! My tag team partner would be Snake aka Tender Loin.

Your releasing an album this fall, how do you plan on muscling out Britney and Christina?
I’ve hired Vinny Cat to pay a visit to those two sluts. We all know he doesn’t have any love for bitches. I don’t really need him anyway. My album is the shit. Production by Muthagoose Escobar and it being released on Pony Records, no one stands a fucking chance the day that shit drops.

Can you still pull off any old school breakdancing moves?
Of course. I was doing the worm on the dance floor last Saturday night. Fuck PMX, that bitch can’t see me.

Any workplace injuries?
Nope. I ain’t got time to bleed.

No martial arts background?
That shit is for pussies. I prefer shootouts or a good old fashioned bar fight.

Have you ever been at a party, dropped your pants and exclaimed. "Somebody's gotta feel this!"
Hell yes I have, but only when PMX is out of the room. That dude is seriously gay. Come on, he wears fucking pink shirts. When was the last time you saw a straight man wearing a pink shirt?

When was the last time Stomper cried?
I think I answered this in a previous question. The day the Tithat died. I can’t talk about it anymore. I may need a moment alone.

What is the best part about being Stomper?
I’d have to say being friends with some of the coolest motherfuckers on the planet. Cat, Muthagoose, Snake, Mav, Pone, Ma$on, Pat, and everyone else, this Steveweiser is for you.

When do you think Pony One will score again?
I believe 2004 will be Pony’s year. I can only hope he manages his pimp game better than he did his fantasy team. If he uses the same type of management for his pimp game as he did with his fantasy team, his chance to score could disappear faster than a boxxx of wine at Ponyland.

[muthagoose]

Get to know... Patrick Thomas (Future Lawyer)

What attracted you to Save the Last Dance? How do you see this role in the context of your career so far?
A: I'm really into chicks with snaggletoofs. Julia Styles has a snaggletoof. 'Nuff said. Hopefully I can continue being put into stereotypically black roles so I can act like I roll with G Unit when I really got my acting education at Julliard before pursuing my degree in performing arts at Columbia University. Can you say "Poor Man's Taye Diggs"?

You recently moved to the "gay" section of Baltimore, How is that working out?
A: It's rough. I actually saw two dudes kissing the other day. No bullshit. My crotch remained motionless, which is a good sign. It's like when I lived in the ghetto and didn't feel the urge to not work and sit around drinking OE all day. Although that would be more fun than what I do now.

You invented the Mayonnaise Sandwich, have you ever tried experimenting with Dijonnaise?
A: I have, and I must say, it's quite tasty. I like to slap some lard and pork rinds on there. Nothing better than feeling your arteries tighten.

Although you seemed against it at first, you seem to now have embraced it... What is your take to the recent birth of "The White Kong"?
A: Well, like most people, I was afraid of that which I did not understand. But now that I understand that the "White Kong" reference was merely to "Malibu's Most Wanted", I'm cool with it. Ma$e says it's a good rental, might have to check it out. Of course, this is coming from the same guy who thinks the fat chick on "The Practice" is hot.

Which Cor(e)y do you identify with more, Feldman or Haim?
A: Haim. I'm not Jewish.

If you were the mayor of the ETL for a day, what would you do?
A: Well, I know it would take more than a day, but I would get "Big Poppa Hoss's Pleasure Palace" built right where the courthouse is. Then we'd be shuttin' em down, Big Poppa style.

Do you think Snake is venomous?
A: Probably. I saw him bite a field mouse at the Hellride. The thing was dead a few hours later (like Ma$e), and it had turned odd colors from the poison. Some guys'll do anything to impress a girl.

You invented the Mayonnaise Sandwich, have you ever tried experimenting with Dijonnaise?
A: Already answered it, dick. Pay attention.

Do you think people have a lot of misconceptions about you?
A: Depends on the person. I'm sure some have more than others. It doesn't really bother me. In every misconception, there's an element of truth in there, and in every truth, there's an element of falsehood. For example, some people might say I drink too much. Well, I don't drink all that much (2x a week), and don't always get hammered when I do. So yeah, you could say at times I drink too much, but not all the time.

In a fight, who would win.... Johnny Utah or Johnny Bender?
A: You got the ex-Ohio State QB vs. the Shermer High American Badass who gets cigars put out on his arm. I'll go with the more painful injury-Johnny Utah gets the win for his gruesome knee injury he alluded to during the great beach football scene. Bender was scared by his fucking principal, for Christ's sake. Good ol' Dwayne T. Robinson, Deputy Chief.

Fuck, Marry, Kill - in which order for the following women?
Group 1: Carmen Electra, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson
Group 2: Kathy Bates, Roseanne Barr, Estelle Getty
A: Group One- Carmen Electra: Marry (and then fuck her all the time), Britney Spears: Fuck, Jessica Simpson: Kill (cause she's so goddamn dumb)
Group Two-Kathy Bates: Marry (for the money-never fuck), Roseanne Barr: kill, Estelle Getty:fuck, because no one else will say it and because it's funny.

You went U of M, ever riot?
A: Are you nuts? I destroyed my own house! Kegs through the wall, bodies through the wall, ripped out ceiling fans, burning couches on the lawn, and that was just in a 6-month period.

What of your rivalry with Paul "PMX" Curren?
A: Who? You mean that dipshit I whooped up on a few weeks ago? Tell that bitch to go get me some KFC and then shit in his hat. Fucker.

What tips can you give todays youth as far as keeping their pimp game tight?
A: I'll tell you like I learned it-from "Crime Stories" by MC Hammer. Scene Three-the Pimpin Game-something about some pimps got some cash in their hands and couldn't wait. Then something about someone trying to smoke Hammer (I think he said "thinkin real hard about smokin my butt" because he was too pussy to say "ass", or he was talking about a cigarette). Basically-you get that dollar you hang on to it. Fake players that go around spending all the time don't have enough for the ladies and then someone tries to kill you. And then your pimp game will be dead too. Investing your cash is investing in booty-you let your money work for you, and you'll have more bitches than you can handle. That and blackmailing girls into sleeping with you using photos of you teabagging them and threatening to send them to the Star Democrat.

When was the last time you tied one of your bitches up?
A: 1999. Used a few neckties and some handcuffs. Bitch loved it.

When do you think Pony One will score again?
A: If he keeps that gay ass "HIM" poster up, probably not anytime soon. Most people will assume he's gay. I wouldn't be surprised to see the Ass Bandits tag Ponyland before too long as some kind of weird gay underground club.

[muthagoose]

INTERVIEW: Get To Know...Snake McMaki
This week Muthagoose Escobar sits down to talk to the often imitated but never duplicated, Snake McMaki.

MG: Thank you. Let me begin by asking, was it you, or your agent, who decided to go with the whole evil theme?
SM: I do nothing without first consulting my agent. In fact, I'm not even the one answering these questions. I have an army of midgets ready to do my bidding 24/7.

MG: Did you consider other themes or gimmicks for your act when you were starting out?
SM: No. I knew early on that evil midgets were the way to go.
MG: Well put. You can't argue with greatness.

MG: Can you tell us about your beginnings?
SM: I would like to, but the judge was very specific about what I can and cannot say.

MG: How evil would you say you are?
SM: Ask the midgets.
MG: I'll pass.

MG: Which is best: sex, drugs, money or glamour?
SM: All four, preferably at the same time.

MG: You like movies... Clockwork Orange is famous for its 'ultraviolence'. When did you last get in a fight?
SM: When you're Snake McMaki and on top of the ETL, every day is a fight and struggle just to stay there. Luckily, the midgets are feisty and I have as little contact with the commoners as possible.
MG: I think Mav Himself would argue that you are on top of the ETL. You two have have feuded in the past, how is your relationship today?
SM: Our feud goes back to our days at Towson University in Squeaky Mozen's film classes. He was never the same after starring as Dippy Dog in the smash hit movie "Fallen Idols."

MG: Which actor and actress would you most like to kill on screen?
SM: B-Fleck and J-Lo. No, that's too easy. How about Elisha Cuthbert? Though she is, as Stomper would say, quite "delicious," Kim Bauer is the most pointless character in the history of television. Dave Coulier is on my hit list as well.
MG: What about your leading lady? We have heard rumors of everything from Eliza Dushku to Keira Knightley. What gives?
SM: All of the rumors are true. Mmmmmm...Eliza Dushku...

MG: Do you do your own stunts?
SM: Always. What people don't know is that I also do other people's stunts. That was actually me falling through the drums on stage in Myrtle Beach.

MG: What is the funniest thing you have ever heard?
SM: It's a toss up between any comment from Stomper about his ex-girlfriend ("That bitch fucked me up!" -- quote of the year candidate) and Pony One's new project, Hounds of Hades.
MG: How goes the feud with Pony One over the fate of Black Sedan?
SM: He's dead to me. He took the Sedan and drove it like he was Mav Himself in a Ford Taurus.

MG: What's your wickedest exploit as an adult?
SM: Again, it was made quite clear in court.

MG: Do you prefer it with a "C" or a "K"?
SM: Next question.
MG: Touchy Touchy.

MG: Do you have any dirt on the circus, coming from a reporter's standpoint? What are some things that would surprise circus-goers?
SM: Clowns really are evil...especially if they're midgets.

MG: No shit?
SM: Yes shit.

MG: We all know about your love affair with Captain Morgan, any other favorites in the alcoholic favorites?
SM: No. I wouldn't want to make the Captain jealous.

MG: When is the next time you will be in "Jager-Mav" territory?
SM: I tend to bypass "Jager-Mav" and go directly to looking like death and needing emergency transport to Ponyland.

MG: Seriously though, do you have any plans to put a book out?
SM: I've thought about it, but it would probably be redundant after Mötley Crüe's "The Dirt."

MG: If Hollywood made a movie about your life, whom would you like to see play the lead role as you?
SM: I would have to play the role myself. Really, who could hope to match the greatness of me? Except maybe Bobcat Goldthwait.

MG: Where do you keep your arsenal?
SM: I believe it's currently at an FBI crime lab.

MG: Mav or Mas?
SM: Rick Willis.
MG: (raises eyebrow)

MG: What are some of your recent ideas that haven't come to fruition just yet?
SM: The whole world domination thing hasn't really gotten off the ground yet. So I'd say that and the Black Sedan reunion.

MG: What is the biggest misconception that people have about you?
SM: That I'm a nice guy. I'm not. I'm evil.

MG: Is Ma$on on drugs, or is he like that naturally?
SM: If there is a drug that does that to someone, it has never been documented. As frightening as it sounds, it appears he is like that naturally.

MG: I have brought up that there may have been a baby mix up at the hospital. What is the likelihood that Mason is actually Pony One's brother and Mason's brother is yours? A disturbing thought I know...
SM: You may be onto something with the baby mix up theory, but I think it was Mason and PMX who were separated at birth. If Mason and Pony One were related, that much weirdness in one family would result in a "Back to the Future Part II"-style paradox that could cause the end of the universe.

MG: When do you think Pony One will score again?
SM: Despite the fact that it was very cold when I was covering a fire near Trappe recently, the reports we're getting are that hell has not yet frozen over, so...

[muthagoose]

INTERVIEW — The Shining Star of The ETL: Mav Himself
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —<br>I was able to meet up with Mav Himself and sit down for a hard hitting interview. Between the cigarettes and beer, Mav pulled back the curtain to reveal the lives, loves and thoughts of Mav Himself. Behold the inner workings of a true ETLien...

MG: How are you dealing with fame?
Mav: Fame is hard man, you got a lot of motherfuckers trying to take me down. When you're a living legend you got to stay on top of the game, there's lots of chameleons out there trying to change up and get on the mav himself bandwagon you know.

MG: Is it hard to stay normal when teenage girls fawn all over you?
Mav: Nah, the teenage girls don't bug me a lot, it's a perk of the job you know. Like i said before everybody wants a piece of mav himself, sometimes i wish could do like that multiplicity movie and clone myself.

MG: Hey, so what's the coolest perk that you've gotten from your career? I mean if you walk into a Denny's do you get a free grand slam breakfast?
Mav: I try to keep it real and i shun most of the fringe benefits of my celebrity. I do appreciate the little things like when Denny's gives me a cereal bowl of bleu cheese, when i can just raise my hand and get served at a crowded bar, and when a sexy dame in a french maid outfit just pours random shots down my gullet

MG: Are you concerned about being stereotyped?
Mav: I don't really care about stereotypes, jealous muthafuckas are gonna have their opinions and there ain't nothing i can do about that. It's like my overweight homey Fat Joe says "Jealous Ones Still Envy".

MG: You have definitely been in the running this year as far as getting attention from the ladies. What tips can you give to the readers about not ending up in "The Friend Zone" when talking to a skeeza?
Mav: This question reminds me of an interview i once read with Charlie Sheen. As you know Charlie has seen more ass than a toilet seat but when somebody pressed him on what he's learned about broads over the years his response was "not a thing". I kind of feel the same way, i wish i could give everybody some advice on how i do it but the truth is, i can't help you cause i don't know shit myself. It just kind of happens man.

MG: Are you still heavily into poetry?
Mav: Poetry? what are you going faggot on me goose? that's the don foster interview if you want some shit on poetry, also ask don how he feels about the seahawks ripping off his vaunted sprinkler dance.

MG: Earlier you mentioned about developing your own series or something like that?
Mav: Yeah i've had some talks with Fox about a new show where i'm stranded on a desert island with 30 hawaiian tropic models.

MG: Switching gears here for a moment, it is safe to say that it has been a fairly slow year Mav. What do you see for the crew in 2004? Are you planning on attending the Myrtle Beach Trip this year?
Mav: It has been a slow year. I would like to do a year in review segment but i can't say for sure that anything really happened this year like i could say something happened in 96, 98, 00, 01, or 02. I see this as the year though when every member of the crew will get laid at some point. It sounds preposterous but i see it happening this year. As for myrtle beach, we'll see, if i do come down i'll do more damage to south carolina than william t. sherman.

MG: We all know the you are highly competitive be it at drinking, hockey, playstation games, or whatever... If you could be the best at any one thing, what would it be? (Keep in mind that I already has fuckin' on lock!)
Mav: tough question, i don't know, i wanna be the best at everything.

MG: What of your fall from grace (in the GFL)?
Mav: What can i say, the boys just didn't bring it in the playoffs. The only thing that pissed me off was that the guy i lost to had fat boy jerome bettis on his squad. At least it gives me more ammo for the ravens-steelers game.

MG: I always wondered why, in RoboCop, Ellen Murphy only grieved for the loss of her husband. They had no right to do what they did to Alex Murphy's body. Why didn't she sue OCP or something?
Mav: I don't know? where the fuck did that question come from. Old Detroit just works that way. my only question why can't they make a real ED-209 droid so i can have one and go around and clean the scum off the etl streets. shit robbie ball (dope) needs all the help he can get.

MG: Pat or Ma$?
Mav: Tough call, I'll go with Ma$e for a couple of reasons. 1) he owns a big dollar sign chain 2) everybody else went with him on this question 3) when i'm working the pimp game he's usually somewhere else, one less player on the field you know (sorry pat).

MG: If you could only choose one person from the crew to live, everybody else had to die, who would it be? (Pony One because he has a child is not an acceptable answer)
Mav: I'd say the big cat cause me and him been homies for so long and we started this shit way back in '89. he's the rick martel to my tito santana.

MG: If you were the mayor of The ETL for one day, what would you do?
Mav: I would expel the following groups from the etl: people who wear john deere/trucker hats, people who wear vests in bars, and steeler fans (sorry snake). i would banish them all to either tighlman or smith island and then blow up the bridges and install electrified fences so they can't get back to the etl. then we'll all get drunk and fuck.

- - The Mav Himself Interview: Part 2 - -

MG: Now it's time for M-F-K (Marry, Fuck, Kill) and boy do I have some tough ones for you Mav. Here we go,
Put these names in the order you would M-F-K them and feel free to elaborate:

Group One: Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, Hillary Duff
Marry- mandy moore, you could fuck for 20 years and not get tired, she's a classy broad too.
Fuck- Hilary Duff, does that make me a pervert?
Kill- jessica simpson, it's a shame the cosmic general blessed her with looks and vocal talent and yet she's dumber than fuck, in the words of prince akeem i like a woman to exercise my intellect as well as my loins.

Group Two: Oprah, Queen Latifah, a post-mortem Nell Carter
Marry- Nell Carter, i can cheat on her and she'll never know right?
Fuck- Queen Latifah, big girls need love too sometimes. and she's not that bad looking for a big girl either.
Kill- Oprah, you need to ask?

Group Three: Gap Tooth Annie, Katie Perry, Any Pepperjack's skank that is into LCG
Marry- Katie Perry, why not i'll divorce her in a week anyway and cite excessive weirdness.
Fuck- Gap tooth Annie, she's not marriage material, her job is worse than mine.
Kill- LCG's ladies, if you find a sweaty man with horrible teeth attractive.... you got problems

MG: Bonus Question Time!!! Which one of the Golden Girls would you give the high hard one to? I am a Betty White man myself. What about you Mav?
Mav: Two words. Bea Arthur.

- - The Mav Himself Interview: Part 3 - - Reader Submitted Questions

MG: Now for a real treat. Reader Submitted Email...Our first question is from PT. Apparently, PT is from Baltimore and is studying to be a lawyer. It also says here that PT suffers from erectile disfunction... ok. If you are ready to proceed Mav, are PT's questions...
PT: What's the secret to getting snatch in the ETL?
Mav: Getting snatch in the ETL is a dicey business but if you could do one thing i would say relax. like i says before it just happens, but be ready for the unexpected.

PT: What does Marcellus Wallace looks like?
Mav: Marcellous Wallace looks like a bitch just like the Etl made the L.A. Stallions look like in week 13.


MG: Here is another one. This one is from $ in Maryland. $ is a teacher "with a wild side". Ok, that's scary in itself.
BM: Mav, if it is so wrong, why does it feel so right?
Mav: What the fuck is he talking about? If he's talking about romancing the ladies, there ain't nothing wrong with that. Just protect yourself, right duncan?

- - - The Mav Himself Interview - - - Part 4

MG: Is RoboCop really free in any sense of the word?
Mav: Of course he's free, he can bust a cap in anybody's ass when wants right.

MG: If you were to die tomorrow, what is the one thing that you would want everyone to know about Mav Himself?
Mav: I'd want everybody to remember that when the cosmic general made me, he broke the mold and that i'm coming back like the fucking geto boys.

MG: Would it be cool if we kept you body around for a while, you know, Weekend at Bernie's style?
Mav: Sure, just don't slam my head on a buoy.

MG: Will there ever be another Tithat?
Mav: hopefully son, hopefully.

MG: When do you think Pony One will score again?
Mav: Tell him to call Beavis and she'll hook him up with no effort whatsoever. In all seriousness, i believe he will score in 04!

[muthagoose]

INTERVIEW: Muthagoose Escobar
Muthagoose is grilled by Snake McMaki
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —<br>
SM: To start off, talk a little bit about your influences.
MG: Influences. Where to begin. I am influenced by a lot of things. Growing up it was comics and television. Mostly CHiP's, Erik Estrada is a pimp. I hope to work with him someday. The series of Herbie movies was also a great influence. And...oh yeah... drugs and alcohol. Definitely under the influence right now. - Just Kidding, I am straight edge.

SM: Was that just a product of the time or is this a direction you think you'll be heading more toward?
MG: Well, Snake, it is hard to say. I go where the wind takes me.

SM: When you look back at yourself as you were then, do you recognize that person?
MG: There are times when I can, but I am a cast of thousands.

SM: How long have you been a fake white rapper?
MG: Well, being a red blooded american catholic boy, Everlast from the House of Pain is basically what started it all. I'd say that I have been dropping spine tinglin' bust yo' shit up beats since 97.

SM: Where is your tattoo, and did you need any extra encouragement to get it?
MG: The tattoo rumors are just that...rumors. I mean seriously, who would get a tattoo of a drunken armadillo driving a funny car in their bikini zone?

SM: How noisy is it inside your head?
MG: Deafening. Absolutely Deafening.

SM: Tell me about the now legendary glass incident at Summer Sanitarium.
MG: It all started innocently enough. After about a half a dozen Captain and Cokes, Stomper made his way up to the Club Level of the stadium. We where both hammered and started leading the crowd below in some classic stadium chants.
SM: Like what?
MG: Your classics mostly. "Show Your Tits" and "Take It Off". Then some more risque material like "Kiss That Chick" and "Eat Her Out". And of course once you get it rolling in that direction... there is always "One More Time", cause you have them hooked.
SM: What happened then?
MG: At one point the security staff was pointing at me, so I stepped back from the ledge. At that point, I noticed a girl who looked somewhat familiar. Well, maybe it was the liquor talking. She was fumbling around looking for her money and that is when the "AA" sponsor cards fell out for the purse. That is when I realized she was ripe for the picking!!!!
SM: Good God Man!
MG: Just Kidding. It just all sorta happened after that point. We said a few words, I pulled her top down to look at her jugs. It escalated from there. Next thing I know I have her pushing her tits up against the glass for 120,000 people. Then I realize that I am trying to get her pants open but the jeans were resisting...not her. That is the long and short of it. The whole thing was a bit surreal. The rest was twisted by the media.

SM: Did you have anyone watching you in case you slipped up?
MG: Luckily Stomper was there to confirm this. Stomper has my vote for wingman of the year.

SM: Was it difficult for you to overthrow El Diablo as GFL commissioner?
MG: Not that hard. I took control of GFL Baseball last summer for a brief period. It was as easy as taking candy from a baby. El Diablo is a great commish... he should let his Hitler like power flow.

SM: Have you ever considered running for president?
MG: Yes, but I don't think America is ready for a black president quite yet.

SM: What do you hate?
MG: Monkey Butlers.

SM: Really?
MG: Yeah, but only because of the expense in covering it up when one of them has an "accident".

SM: But wouldn't that make Ma$on jealous?
MG: Probably. He spent a lot of time with Bubbles at Neverland. He took a rel shining to that chimp.

SM: So basically he just kind of had a different head space on what he wanted to do.
MG: Nobody is really sure what went down. But it was Neverland and I think it is safe to say that "head" was involved.

SM: Who do you hate?
MG: I don't hate anyone at the moment. The person I am closest to hating is that guy in Pepperjack's all the time who dresses like he is the missing member of The Strokes.

SM: Complete this sentence: A day without LOTB is like...
MG: Krokus breaking up.

SM: You’re a famous movie star and you’re touring in a rock band. Are groupies throwing themselves in front of the bus?
MG: True story... the first time I met Kid Rock, he said "We ain't checking I.D.'s tonight" referring to some young looking ladies trying to catching his eye as we were riding Joe C.'s mini-bike in the Patriot Center parking lot. I personally try to steer away from those shenanigans... I don't need Hep-C.

SM: But hasn’t being a movie star made you a babe magnet?
MG: I suppose in a Colin Quinn / Richard Grieco way. Yes it has.

SM: Life’s unfair that way. Do you know how much a gallon of milk costs?
MG: Honestly...no. I am lactose intolerant. Normally if I buy it if for Pone and Abby and I just throw a five spot to the arab at Crown and walk out.

SM: Did you pull that one off the top of your head or did you put some thought into it?
MG: All of it came straight from my heart.

SM: You must have a surefire hangover remedy.
MG: This normally works for me when I try it. A) Get home... that is key. Walk, Steal a bike, get a ride whatever. It sucks to be somewhere else hungover. B) Get the remote and a huge glass C) Drink at least 3 to four glasses of water from that glass. D) Wait....watch TV but the key is to stay up as long as possible. E) When the headache starts to set in drink to more glasses of water and hit the sack. F) Wake Up and get something to eat...two more glasses of water, a multi-vitamin....Gatorade if you have it... you should be straight.

SM: Do you ever get fan mail from men who suggest they want to have their wives kidnapped?
MG: Yes, but Chad Steele always sends me weird stuff in the mail.

SM: We’ve all been there. Are you still in touch with any of the porn folk?
MG: Yes. A stripper that lived across the hall from me in college. Sweet girl.

SM: So when can we expect the grand opening of "Muthagoose's Boom-Boom Room"?
MG: Snake, the Boom-Boom Room is a lot like Vegas, it never closes... for the ladies.

SM: Why are you so often cast as a smirky, self-satisfied asshole?
MG: I'm type casted. You play Greg Maki in one Lifetime movie and then the scripts just keep coming.

SM: Did you ever “forget” to pull a punch and actually bean Keanu?
MG: Only once. We were drunk and of course I started re-enacting the finale to Point Break. Keanu is a good guy but he cries like a girl.

SM: Any more films?
MG: I still want to do PMX The Movie but that is on hold for now. I eventually want to rewrite Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to include more murder. Right now I have to concentrate on writing my Rock Opera.

SM: When you had your own late-night talk show, did you ever feel attracted to any of your guests?
MG: Oh yeah. Always the girls with the button issues catch my eye.

SM: What’s creepier, a velociraptor or Ma$on?
MG: Tough Call. But I think a velociraptor. I don't think any one of us have seen "The Real Brandon Mason" as of yet.

SM: Have you always gotten along? Have you ever really fallen out over anything?
MG: There was an incident on the tour bus (The Drunk Bus as it is more commonly known). When Ma$on became enraged. Hell, to be totally honest... I think we were all hoping the bus would flip over Metallica style that night. But there is unfortunately very little black ice in June.

SM: Let's do a little word association...
Mav Himself: kick ass stunt driver
Ratt: the most mediocre band the eighties had to offer
PMX: assclown
LOTB: God of Thunder
Billy Volek: Possibly our only hope.
Black Sedan: Euro Trash
Busey: "Get outta the way kid!!!!"
ETL: Glorified White Trash
Hounds of Hades: The New Bizkit

SM: Bill or Ted?
MG: Bill

SM: LOTB or LCG?
MG: LOTB

SM: Patrick Thomas or Sean Patrick Thomas?
MG: What is the difference again?

SM: Mav or Ma$?
MG: Tough call but I am going with Mav. He is suckling on the teat of greatness.

SM: Do you ever shake your head sometimes and go, “Me? Famous?”<br>MG: It's just a lifestyle. I try not to overthink it.

SM: When you arrive at the gates of hell, what would you like the devil to say to you?
MG: "Hey, Metal Church is down here. Wanna go down to the bar and pick up dead chicks."

SM: And I have to ask this one: When do you think Pony One will score again?
MG: Are we talking quality or skank?

SM: Does it really matter at this point?
MG: Nah, it's always been skank.

SM: Finally, is there anything you would like to say to your fans in England?
MG: God Save The Queen.

[muthagoose]

Get to know... Brandon Mason (Future Felon)

What seems to be the problem?
Touchdowns. No matter how hard we pound the ball we just can't seem to score. And it's difficult to win in a league that is built around touchdowns.

Are you afraid of commitment?
I'm afraid of a lot of things actually. Commitment, my shadow, monkeys. My problem is that I keep finding these skanks and when I meet someone compatable I just don't know how to react. That is why I just sleep with Mikey G's women.

Do you intentionally try to mix up your roles so you make small and big, art and commercial, and heavier and lighter movies?
Well, when I first started out in the business I just wanted to get established and make a name for myself. I had to take the roles which offered the most for me at the time and some were very successful while others were not. I'm at the point now where if I don't want to do a particular role I can just pass.

Is it a particularly good or bad time in the movie business?
A bit of both. There are a lot more independent features that are coming out and those movies are helping otherwise unknown actors to get recognition. On the other hand, some studios are banking too much money on certain films and if the audience is not there they will just declare a loss and move on. But with rentals and DVD's now most studios pretty much brake even. I myself have recently started filming "Swarm of the Snakehead" and low budget picture that will be coming out early next year.

What persuaded you to be in "Swarm of The Snakehead"?
I wanted to get back in touch with my roots. Its been awhile since I did a low budget picture and I wanted to work with the "talented Mr. Lama" again.

Did you collect records?
Absolutely. I'm surprised that more people don't.

How many one dollar bills do you have saved up?
(Starts laughing) More than PMX can COUNT! (still laughing) about $80.

If you were the mayor of the ETL for a day, what would you do?
Fire all the Lesbians that work at WalMart and declare Ponyland "Ma$on's Lair" while drinking boxxxed wine.

Do you think people have a lot of misconceptions about you?
Oh yeah. People really don't know the real Ma$on. I even hardly know me. I'm a "good shit" as Patrick Thomas would say.

Where would rock 'n' roll be without Alice Cooper?
Fortunately that is a question that we will never have to answer.

Peaches or Cream?
Definetely Peaches. Round, soft, and warm all over. What man could resist that?

If you had to trapped on a desert island and had to choose between Mav Himself or Pat Thomas, who would you choose?
The Hoss. Knowing Patrick he would figure out a way to ferment the ocean, and I would teach him how to scale Mermaids.

Do you have any collaborative projects coming up?
I may be working with WildC.A.T.'s GM Christopher Bartlett sometime in the early spring in an off Broadway production over at the OCC.

How different is your public persona from your private one?
Very different. I value my privacy and can be quiet and aloof at "The Beckoning" but the boyz on the streets call me "The White Kong" due to my influence and eccentricity.

When do you think Pony One will score again?
I can't kick a man while he's down. Hopefully 2004 will be the year of the PoneTang! Oh, and instead of saying "Brumski" Snake will be yelling "Gregoryyyy!!!!!!!!!"

[muthagoose]

This interview was conducted by Pony One. Pony One is a Scorpio, Leaves in Maryland, now has a car, and likes golden showers.

- - - - -

P1:What attracted you to "Save The Last Dance"? How do you see this role in the context of your career so far?

PT:Well, what attracted me was that I'm gay, and I especially like black guys. I see this as a big step forward for me because I had never been with a black guy before.

P1: You recently moved to the "gay" section of Baltimore. How is that working out?

PT: Well, it's got it's ups and downs, but I particulary like the ins and outs. And this new relationship I've got goin on now with my neighbor...I think this could really be something

P1:You invented the Mayonaisse sandwich. Have you ever tried experimenting with Dijonaisse?

PT: I have, and I must say it's quite tasty. Nothing like the feeling of tight male ass.

P1: Although you seemed against it at first, you seem to now have embraced it...What is your take to the recent birth of "The White Kong"?

PT: I've taken to it quite well, that Jamie Kennedy is a hotty.

P1: Which Cor(e)y do you identify with more, Feldman or Haim?

PT: Haim because he is an alcoholic like me. I think it would make for one hell of a night if we got together.

P1: If you were the mayor of The ETL for a day, what would you do?

PT:I'd probably gather up all the guys in town who were gay and have a wet and sticky orgy at the courthouse.

P1: Do you think Snake is venomous?

PT: I can't say for sure, but I do know that Snake is an appropriate nickname.

P1: Do you think people have a lot of misconceptions about you?

PT: Yes, and understandably, I haven't exactly come fully out yet, but I guess I am now...Being gay is not at all a bad thing. People think we sit around all the time, thinking about big dicks and shit, but you know I'm a pretty normal guy actually. I'm just really into dudes. I don't see any reason why I should be treated differently from anyone.
And also, people seem to think I drink too much. It's not that I drink too much, it's when I do drink too much when I drink, I'm a complete asshole.

P1: In a fight, who would win...Johnny Utah or Johnny Bender?

PT:Rather than fight, I'd like it better if Johnny Utah would ram it real hard in Johnny Bender's ass.

P1: Fuck, Marry, Kill in which order for the following group of dudes?
Group 1) Ben Affleck, Joey Lawrence, Mav Himself

PT: I'd fuck the hell out of Mav, marry Ben Affleck, cause he's the hottest and kill Joey Lawrence, cause he makes me absolutely crazy hot.

P1: You went U of M, ever riot?

PT: Riots no, Grab-assing with my roommates...hell yeah!

P1: What of you rivalry with Paul "PMX" Curren?

PT:Well, we've had our differences in the past, but hell....I'd fuck him.

P1: What tips can you give to today's youth about keeping their pimp game tight?

PT: It's a tough world out there boys and girls and things don't come easy. Don't ever give up on your game and stay true to yourself...or just be a gay-fag like me...

P1: When was the last time you tied one of your bitches up?

PT: Mav himself is probably my favorite partner of all time and we perform sexual acts like this on the regular. He had me tied up last night, while he banged me on the coffee table.

P1: When do you think Pony One will score again?

PT: I think Pony One is an ultra-hotty and he will be scoring all the goddamn time. It really sucks though for me because Pony One is into the ladies.

- - - - -

As a follow up... Pony One has yet to score. Pat Thomas thinks that the next time Pony scores, it will be with a retarded girl.

[muthagoose]

After a month long struggle, Muthagoose Escobar and Snake McMaki were able to track down the ever elusive Chad Steele.

The interview explores what has become of the former child actor turned model turned folk rocker. "Interviewing Chad Steele was probably the most nightmarish thing to happen to me since that night at The Waffle Haus with Mikey G." said Snake on his latest interview.

Muthagoose Escobar followed by saying, "He was really hard to pin down on a lot of topics and very defensive... almost paranoid on others. I guess that is what a 500 dollar a day rock habit will do to you."

On with the freak show that is... Chad Steele.

- - - - - - - - >

What was your childhood like?
I never knew my father, for that fact neither does my mother. She says it could be either the mechanic that worked at the Quicky Lube, of the butcher at the A&P.

Was that a generally happy period in your life?
No. It's not fun being the bastard son of the local whore.

Was there a hierarchy among child actors when you started out?
I started acting to get away from it all. I found it easy to get parts, although I always wondered why I would see the directors at my house leaving my mom's room around 2 AM.

Do you find that other former child stars have a sense of humor about themselves and their experiences?
No. Gary(Coleman) and I have found it hard to shed that part of our lives. The public always want us to perform. "What you talking about Willis", and "I just poo-pooed my pants" are sayings that have found their way into American sayings.

Did you feel immersed in the counterculture of the time?
I was young, it was the 70's. I was either getting down at Club 54 or doing lines over KC's house. What was the question?

When you were growing up as a child actor, did you sense that what you were doing wasn't what kids normally did?
No. I was rich. I did'nt care what other kids were doing. I'd but 3 whores a day and 10 grams for my mom and not care.

Is it true that you were originally cast to play "The Gooch" on Dif'rent Strokes?
Yeah. The producers approched my agent about it. But the night before Gary(Coleman) found me in bed with his mom, and well, I can't really talk about what happened.

I was reading an article that looked over your career and seemed to have the opinion that no matter what you do, you'll forever be typecast.
That's true. It's a bitch cause I have so many different stages of character acting. Ican play good cop, ofr play a psycho crack whore.
So what happened to you that started you to turn your life around?
I found myself broke and managing a gloryhole in downtown D.C.

It seems a big majority of the press is emphasizing the transition from your modeling career to musician. What do you think of the emphasis on that?
It's about time I got recognized for my ablitiy to play the pan flute. I bet you thought Zamfir was the onlt one, but I incorporate phat bass beats .

Your music has been sampled a lot, and you've collaborated with a lot of rappers. What was your first impression of rap music?
It was back in 82, and I was in the studio recording my first album" Gotta grab a stash and dash nigga" I was tired of the same old pop music so I decided to start rhyming the lyrics you know" I sit behind the wheel looking to feel a plumb ass and a dollar bill" It just kinda took off after that.

So what does dear old mama think of the band now?
She's into it. She's my biggest fan.

Do you think your notoriety and the controversy over your lifestyle has led people to overlook your music?
No. I was the first white man to use the term nigga. The black community really liked me after that.

It seems like you haven't really had an opportunity to express a more reflective, introspective side of yourself. Is that something you're working on?
Yes. I just started writing a childrens book entitled "God, why are you such a m#th!&^*cker"

Does this help get out your dark side?
Yeah, it also allows me to do signings at local bookstores. Don't get me wrong I like the kids, I just like their moms better(whink whink)

How is performing now different from performing in the '70s and '80s? Do you think your audience has changed?
Shit fool, in the 70's it was nothing to get a little head in the restroom of the local 7-11, nowadays women want dinner and to know if your packing rubbers. I tell them" there ain't no need to wrap were I am about to tap"

So now you're a videogame character. How cool is that?
Yeah, Grand Theft Auto is cool. They approched me back in 88 about basing a game around my life.I said" shit only if you get Danny DeVito to play me". that nigga is packing 24-7 fool.

Is it true that you're developing a movie based on the character?
No. It has something to do with gag orders.

How do you feel about being called a poet?
For the last time, I am not a poet. Dr. Suess, that mo fo was straight up poet.

You talk openly about tragedies, about your past, about your dark side. Is there anything you still keep from people?
I tap dudes in the butt. It's all the same from the back.

Is this something that you're avidly pursuing?
Why, you want some of this?

And you like that part of the life, it sounds like.
It relaxes me. I just close my eyes and think of some hot bitch. I'm not gay, I'm providing a service.

So you?re still good friends with Haim?
Corey, shit. The last time I saw him was right after the screening of "License to Drive". That fucker still owes me $5.00 for popcorn. The last I heared he was living with one of his friends who just got divorced and spends all of his money all dumb shit like stereo equipment and does'nt pay his bills. Yeah, Corey lives for the drama.

Have you gotten a lot of requests to work together again?
We were supposed to be on "the surreal life" but I got the wrong address, and ended up at Oj's house. The fucker is surreal himself.

Who - in terms of celebs - would we usually see you hanging with in Hollywood?
Depp, Emmanuel Lewis, Arnie and I get together and go play a round of "mailbox baseball" every second Wendsday of the month. Emmanuel, that bitch is so short Arnie has to hold on to him so that he doesn't faal out of the Hummer when he hits the box.(laugh)

Do you ever lay in your king-size bed at the Four Seasons and think, "God, I used to be on someone's couch"?
....and some guys girls house and your moms house. Sure I think about and tell myself, "Shit man I need to bring these bitches back to my crib" then I think if I do, then they will steal my stuff.....so I don't.

What would you say to someone who is in the situation you were in, say, four years ago?
I would tell them make sure you pull out before you blow out. It keeps them women from calling you after.

Was it a tough scene?
What?

What do you mean by that?
You got to pull out man! If not it's like getting a gift, but you can never take it back and exchange it for something else. Ya know what I mean.

Everyone always says at these junkets that whatever movie they're interviewing about is the best work they've done. Do you think that's true in this case?
Hell no. One time I took a shit of a 12 story balcony, and I didn't fall.

What is the best work you've done?
Back in the 6th grade me and Holly Bickling were in Mr. Tingles classroom and I hit that shit so hard.....

Did you have an idea at the time what divergent paths your careers and lives would take?
Sure. I'm a playa, word is bond.

So you get to live two lives in a sense? That of the celebrity side, and that of the mom at home in the French countryside...
I ain't no Mom, I fathered alot of kids, but I ain't no mom.

When did you realize that a lot of people were going to see you as Wesley Crusher?
Fool your high. What are you smokin?

Like what?
Weed mo fo. Are you smokin weed?

Why do you think people reacted so strongly?
To what. I have no idea what your talking about .

Looking back, what's the dumbest thing you ever spent your money on?
I had an enlargement which gave an extra 6 inches on my 12 inch penis. Now women are afraid of it and the shit always gets caught in my fly. Oh I'm sorry man...

Did you get something out of your system?
Yeah I just had tacos, ughh that was nasty.

What made you hungry this time for it?
I passed a Taco LaPatio on the way here.

The Internet Movie Database says that you dropped some science on "Dope, The Big Lie," from the Chunky A album. How did you hook up with Chunky A, and what has he been up to since then?
Who the hell is Chunky A, the only dope I drop is when I see some green fool.

Tell me a little bit about the "Extreme Mobile Unit" you're going to have out on tour with you.
I had to bring my team with me. It's hard to make shit in hotel rooms, so I equipped this tour bus with a meth-lab and three king-size beds. You never know who you'll be scrumping with.

What's the typical question you hear from your fan who gets the chance to talk to you?
Everyone always asked me, " hey, is it true that you had a three way with Fred Durst and Brittany Spears". The truth is Brittany watched while I made Fred my little bitch.

If your die-hard fans got to know the real you, would they be shocked at all by the truth they discovered?
Nope. I keep it real.

How would you like to be remembered?
I would like to have a brothel named after me. "Steeles Wheels , Pussy and Heels" sounds good to me.

Does that mean one day you?ll be able to be Matt Shaeffer instead of Uncle Kracker?
No. I was born white trash, and I will die rich white trash. Like Kid Rock.

[muthagoose]

MG: Let us start off by asking, how the hell did you end up in Virginia Beach?

LOTB: I found myself needing a "real" job. Unfortunately such jobs are scarce on the Shore, so I was faced with the prospect of having to head into more urban territory. I have a pronounced distaste for the slums of the North (Baltimore, D.C., Philadelphia, etc.), but still wanted to be within driving distance of home, so I pretty much focused my efforts on Richmond, Hampton Roads, and Raleigh-Durham. Off and on for a couple of years I sent out resumes and got nowhere.
By the time late 2002 had come around, I was living with my grandfather and had enrolled full time at Chesapeake College while eaking out a meager existence as an unemployed bum that fixed computers for quick cash. That's when Trappe's own notorious Chuck Perry called me up and told me of a job opening in Norfolk with his employer, the Bank of America.
And so, I got the job and came to live down here, after I had actually taken a break from actively looking for "real" jobs.

MG: What do you make of the lack of single young ladies in The ETL?

LOTB: Who knows? I think the greater majority of them got out of high school and left, never to live within the ETL again. Those that remain too often still act like they are in high school (or elementary, to be more honest). Some went off to college for a bunch of years then came back; those are probably the ones you guys should look for. They tend to have it more together in the head, in my experience.

SMcM: And the abundance of douche-bag boyfriends?

LOTB: Reflecting back on my previous statement about the women that remained thinking and acting like they're still in high school, I think that may be a possible explanation for the abundance of douche-bag boyfriends. After all, you'll notice that a lot of these girls will still go for the guy who was "cool" in high school, even if he just pumps gas these days. There's also a different breed of girl out there that seems to enjoy being treated like crap. I'm not too sure what sort of psychological makeup lies behind that bunch, but there are far too many of them out there in the world. I guess some people are just weak.

SMcM: So you are the Prince of Darkness Ruler of Hell aren't you? Just to clarify.

LOTB: That's just something I do on a part-time basis as a volunteer. I feel that it's important to give back to the community.

MG: So what are your responsibilities?

LOTB: To promote the Pleasures of Sin. Other than that, I ignore responsibility.

SMcM: Wow, Hell must be really busy, when do you find time for yourself?

LOTB: I make time by foisting off menial tasks to my minions. Who are they to refuse my authority?

SMcM: So do you really burn down schools and hospitals?

LOTB: Only when I'm not burning down nursing homes, colored churches, day care centers, or law enforcement agencies. It's all in good fun.

MG: And what do you do for fun? Corrupt? Swindle?

LOTB: Besides the aforementioned arson? Indulge in the very Pleasures of Sin that it's my duty to promote. I take Pride in my Gluttony, Lust, and Sloth.

SMcM: How hot is it in Hell?

LOTB: As hot or cold as one wants it to be. We all create our own hells, for the most part.

MG: What do you make of Chuck Perry?

LOTB: He seems to be happily domesticated as of late. I traded him vehicles for a few days back in March so he could use my truck to assist in his move to Portsmouth. Believe me, you've never felt like less than a man 'til you' ve driven around in a four-door foreign car with a baby seat in the back.

I don't know what to make of his resistance towards visiting the Shore more often. I should drag that fucker up there in the near future. We could celebrate his coming with a party a Ponyland. Or we could just party at Ponyland to celebrate the day ending with a "y." Whatever it comes down to.

SMcM: What about Ma$on?

LOTB: I think that a budding acting career will only contribute further status to his Living Legend. Ma$on is an individual who cannot be contained.

MG: Who would win in a fight... Pat Thomas or a bitch?

LOTB: Are we talking a female bitch, or the "prison" kind of bitch? I've heard that some of those bitches in prison are pretty tough, despite their dubious status. Unfortunately for them, there just happened to be a bigger, tougher guy on the same cell block. It'd be hard to predict a fight between Pat and a prison bitch, but since they're all his future clients, he's more likely to try and get along with them and less likely to fight them.
Pat could probably take most female bitches, but maybe not some of those ones that ride Harleys, wear a mullet, and date other women. Their kind tend to be a dirty-fighting bunch of nut-kickers.

SMcM: What about music?

LOTB: What do I make of music? Listening to music is among my favorite pleasures. There is just such a wide variety of fine music to choose from. For example, there's Death Metal, Speed Metal, Thrash Metal, Viking Metal, Black Metal, traditional 80's Heavy Metal, Hate Metal, Hair Metal, Grindcore Metal, Power Metal, you get the idea. I'm a connoisseur of it all. I've also been known to enjoy country music, classical, and oldies upon occasion. They all provide me with something different.

There's a lot of excellent music being made today. It's a shame that more people don't seek it out. While I try to be at least a little bit open to all forms of music, I have nothing but contempt for modern day nuMetal, "Boy Bands", rappers who "sample" the creations of others and just add a heavier bass presence and new words, and that techno dance crap where they remix the same song thousands of times for each week at one of those "clubs." I have little respect for anyone that can't write and perform their own songs. Why anyone would want to belong to a fabricated bunch of dancing faggots that sing effeminately and don't even play instruments is beyond me. Why anyone would want to listen to it because record companies, radio stations, teen magazines, and MTV all conspire to tell you it's "cool" is beyond me as
well. The nameless hordes don't seem to be able to think for themselves these days, though looking at examples throughout history, I suppose they never could. Whether they're following a depraved dictator or listening to the Backstreet Boys, for too long the unintelligent mob has ruled.

MG: If you had to choose between Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera... which one would you choose?

LOTB: Britney.

SMcM: Does it bother you that you're still referred to as an ex-Metallica member?

LOTB: Sometimes. I'd prefer to be remembered for all of the far superior work I did in later years after forming Megadeth. It's universally understood that all of the best material on Metallica's first few albums was written by me.

[muthagoose]

MG: What do you make of "The New" Metallica?

LOTB: I care for them even less than the bands coming out nowadays and being dubbed "nuMetal." Here you have a group of guys who were no less than legendary in the 1980's. They were worshipped throughout the globe. What do they do with this legacy? Use it to produce naught but pathetic music. Truly sad.

SMcM: I hear you're hard to get along with, and consequently, it's difficult for you to keep a band together?

LOTB: What can I say? I'm a perfectionist.

SMcM: What were the early days of the scene like?

LOTB: Metal's become a lot more accepted since the early days. Back then we were routinely targeted for slander by religious groups, as well as being hassled by law enforcement for having long hair. There were also stupid parents' groups distributing misinformation about the "risks" of the metal lifestyle, and the PMRC (Parents' Music Resource Center) seeking to censor and/or ban our music altogether.
Interestingly enough, one of the major claims of the PMRC was that metal promoted abuse of alcohol and drugs, as well as promiscuous sex. The PMRC was founded by Tipper Gore, who was later found out to be an alcohol and prescription drug abuser, as well as a sufferer of mental illness. Mrs. Gore was married to Al at the age of 17, therefore any promiscuous sex she had was evidently legally sanctified from that point forward. Her son was also sentenced to a substance abuse program. I wonder what sort of music they both listened to that led to this deplorable behavior? Who was this woman to take on the Great Dee Snider at Congressional hearings?
For anything else you might want to know about the early years, I recommend viewing "The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years" by director Penelope Spheeris. It's pretty interesting from a documentary standpoint (meaning mostly informational and not entertaining.)

MG: What is your take on the Phil Anselmo vs. Damage Plan controversy?

LOTB: Just another example of petty bickering and drugs creating a rift between members of what was once a powerhouse band. This is certainly far from being the first instance of this occurring in musical history. I fear it won't be the last time, either.

SMcM: Many bands consider you to be the father of rock n' roll or metal. How does it feel to be their dad?

LOTB: I'm just glad to know I made a difference.

SMcM: How did you meet Ozzy?

LOTB: I met Ozzy back in 1967 when I was called to witness him signing the contract to forfeit his Soul for Rock n' Roll. The rest is history.

SMcM: I read that you did some shows in Europe. How did they go?

LOTB: Not bad; European audiences are pretty cool. It would have been a lot better if those European women would have shaved their armpits before waving their hands in the air.

MG: Do you plan to do any more gigs?

LOTB: Not in the immediate future. I'm ready to live as a hermit in the seclusion of the mountains. When that gets old, perhaps I'll launch another tour.

SMcM: Are you going to bring back concept albums?

LOTB: I do like the idea of an album that progressively tells a story, even if it's not a coherent story (think Seventh Son of a Seventh Son). Perhaps I will bring back concept albums.

SMcM: So all of those decisions were not your decisions, but the decisions of the management?

LOTB: All of the bad decisions were made by my former management. I later came to sacrifice them to my True Manager.

SMcM: So, what about you, the person?

LOTB: What about me?

SMcM: You seem to have a reputation as an "angry genius." Is that accurate, or are you misunderstood?

LOTB: Oh, that. I can be misunderstood from time to time, but I think "angry genius" is a pretty fair assessment.

SMcM: So you deny being purely evil?

LOTB: There is no purity in anyone. Even the youngest, fairest, most innocent virgin is visited by moments of temptation. Good and evil are but Concepts of Man. No one in history has really believed themselves to be truly evil. Everyone believes their actions are right, and just.

SMcM: Are you a wealthy man?

LOTB: In knowledge terms, yes. Monetarily? Nope.

MG: Who do you think is the strangest member of our little crew? And who is the shadiest character?

LOTB: Strangest? Me, most likely. You wouldn't necessarily think so on the surface, but if you knew what I was thinking most of the time, you would be afraid. Very afraid.
Shadiest? I'd go with you, Muthagoose. You never knew it, but I've seen you sneaking around at night in that hat and trenchcoat down near the Easton Point Marina, where you typically meet up with a boat bearing Florida registration and crewed by a bunch of Cubans. Then you hand them a briefcase, and a few minutes later, you lead away a bunch of Asian girls in chains and escort them to the back of a rental truck. What's that all about?

MG: If you could only save one of them, who would you save... Stomper or Bartlett?

LOTB: Bartlett's been a good friend to me for the last 23 years or so, so it pains me to say that at this point, I'm having my doubts about his chances for salvation. Once a man descends to a certain point of bitter madness, he can't come back. While I have high hopes for them both, Stomper is probably the better prospect for a salvage operation. Be sure to keep an eye on Chris, though. If he starts stockpiling weapons or digging a bomb shelter in his backyard, we may need to hold an intervention.

SMcM: And the question all of the women out there want to know - what's going on in your love life?

LOTB: Too much is never enough. Send these women on; I'm willing to continue interviewing prospective candidates. Lust is one of my favorite sins, you know.

MG: So if we see you out at a bar... What type of drink is your venom of choice?

LOTB: I typically only drink beer and whiskey. I like most kinds of whiskey, to include Scotch and bourbon. Though it's awkward to admit, I also have a craving for Amaretto every once in a while. It's been that way ever since one night in the mid-90's when Keith R. and myself found ourselves stuck in the morning with only a few bottles of Amaretto to keep us entertained. About once a year I'll revisit that particular spirit, which always brings back that memory.
I guess scotch and soda would be something you fellas could buy me, unless I'm already just drinking beer, in which case another beer is cool. Never look a gift horse in the mouth, right?
My all-time favorite beverage, though, is sweetened iced tea.

MG: Speaking of venom, that Snake McMaki is a piece of work isn't he?

LOTB: Yep, and he's getting more dangerous now that he's gaining fame and notoriety throughout the Internet. Check this out- www.rottentomatoes.com/author-5892/ . Now you know who reviews the reviewer.

SMcM: What do you believe in?

LOTB: myself

MG: If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?

LOTB: Relaxing on the beach of an Eastern Shore plantation that I would own, surrounded by hot, naked supermodels who bring me cold drinks. I guess it would have to be on the Talbot side of the upper Choptank, since that's about the only place you'll find sandy beaches.

SMcM: Show us the way! What should we do?

LOTB: Bask in my wisdom, though I can't claim to be the first person to have presented some of these ideas. You should continue to be yourself, though take steps for improvement where you feel they're justified. Read books, shun television and movies in abundance.
Never stop learning. Ask no quarter and grant none. Stay metal.
Don't fall spell to alien ideology, follow unto your own.
Be loyal and friendly to those who deserve it, smite those who don't.
Take advantage of opportunity when appropriate, but don't be taken advantage of.
Be dangerous, even in defeat.
Equality is a myth.
Altruism is a lie.
The true cardinal sin is stupidity.
All of the so-called sins lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification, and should be embraced.
It's better to reign in Hell than to kneel in Heaven.

MG: If we should all learn one thing from you... what would it be?

LOTB: Don't be a sheep; be the shepherd.

[muthagoose]

OK Kids, you wanted the best!... So we got you what we could afford! Rick "Kid Rick" Willis! Snake McMaki and Muthagoose were able to catch Rick between jobs and beer buzzes to bring you up to speed on the life and times of this maniac! Loved by some, feared by many... we present to you...

The Kid Rick Interview

- - - - - - >

SM: Let's start from the beginning. Your childhood...
RW: It was a rough upbringing on the mean streets of Corbin. Even before then I lived in the hellmouth itself. Talk about a messed up place. Kids down there just turn out weird. I decided it was better to tough it out in Corbin, and I still haven't been back. That was a scary place, even for the American Badass himself.

MG: Have you been drinking?
RW: I've always been drinking. It makes day to day life pass so easy. Besides when you have bitches tryin to challenge you day in and day out, it just makes it that much easier to tell 'em to fuck themselves.

MG: From what we have heard on the streets, you aren't having a great year. Everyone talks about it but no one knows any details. We don't want to rock the boat but what is the latest news from the Rick Willis camp?
RW: Shit man, I don't know who you've been talking to. This year is the resurgance of tha Kid. It's written somewhere that I was a fallen hero; now I'm back. The past couple years are foggy, but bitches'll do that to you. Now it's like Jay-Z say, "Got 99 problems but a bitch aint one." As for what all went down, i still don't quite understand it all myself. I got out of a hairy situation. Then she tried to go all psycho. Im glad I got away.

SM: When was the first time you performed for an audience?
RW: I was performing back in my days living in the hellmouth. you know, tryin to bring a little joy and rock to the kids down there. it was a rough time trying to perform, but I think I got through it all right.

SM: How did you get the name "Kid Rick"?
RW: I think it was a Pony deal. one night we're sittin around the ole waterin hole and he said "man, Keed Rick, im pretty wasted." and there is where it took off. I became a household name. I would say I owe it to Pony but I dont owe anyone shit. I got where I am today from grim determination to not let this place bring me down.

SM: They say you’re cocky, and you say what?
RW: I aint cocky, i just tell punk ass bitches how it is. They say Im cocky and i slap 'em like they're some bitch and Im Rick James. But the answer everyone expects is it aint braggin if you back it up.

MG: What makes you an "American Badass"?
RW: to be honest, alcohol has a bit to do with it. Besides the fact that I tell it like it is, jump in peoples faces, and generally raise hell and whoop ass. Some people call it Badass I just call it surviving.
SM: I see.

MG: Do you find that people are surprised by your appearance when they first see you in person?
RW: You damn right they are. They are expecting someone ten feet tall and bulletproof. Im only 5' 10 and bulletproof. I don't hear any complaints from the ladies though.
SM: My God!

SM: Where will fans be able to catch Kid Rick in action?
RW: Im doing the local thing for the time being. Writing new material mostly, and I figure I'll try it here in the ETL before going worldwide with it. Unlike some superstars I still remember my roots.

MG: What's the typical question you hear from your fan who gets the chance to talk to you?
RW: How do you deal with the fame?

SM: You are a Pepperjack's karaoke legend... Do you play any instruments?
RW: I only do a little bit of spinnin from time to time. Nothing too big. People would expect me to play the entire show by myself. I'll be damed if. I'm gonna get up there with a bass drun and a harmonica and look like one of those choads.

MG: Any idea what happened to Norman?
RW: Its painfully obvious whats happened to him. After vietnam and having to listen to Ma$ sing at pepperjacks, he's headed off to Afganastan to find Bin Laden himself. He's just grissled enough to pass for one of those taliban muther fuckers.

SM: What do you do to kill time?
RW: Mostly just play the video games, write a little bit, keep up with the Kid Rick fan site, I try to answer fan mail myself, but theres way too much for one man to do, I tried to hire Ma$ at one point but all he wanted to answer to was the ladies under 18.

MG: When did you begin playing fiddle and why?
RW: That was long long time ago. My dad tried to force a life of bluegrass on me and made me learn the fiddle. I tried to fight it, but its one of those things that comes naturally. I don't play anymore. Ever since that incident where I had to break it off on the Hoss, i never got around to buying a new one.

MG: How did you become involved with Nascar?
RW: Even an American badass such as myself saw this as a money making venture. besides that a lot of my fan base also likes Nascar. Earnhardt was the man, god rest his soul, but Ive got a couple of up and comers that you'll have to check out.

SM: It sounds like people tried to discourage you.
RW: When you have talent you are gonna get beaten on a good bit. I look at it like this, Im taking soemthing that no one wants me to do and making more money at it than i can ever spend.

[muthagoose]

The Kid Rick Interview
Part Two: Sunroof for a Sex Machine

MG: If this takes off, I'm sure you'll do more movies. How will that affect your music career?
RW: Music is for my fans first an foremost, lets get that clear right now. However seeing what "The Rock" has done so far, i can't help but look at Movies more and more. But the music will always be there.

SM: Do you feel like a rockstar?
RW: you know it still hasn't really sank in yet. I still have to laugh when i'm walking down the street and people hollar out my name. It's unreal.
MG: Same here.

SM: Do you find Europe very different from America?
RW: hell yes. European chicks are nice and all, but there are so many little bitches over there that hate us. Maybe we should have let the Germans have France then smacked them back into place when they tried to go further.

MG: You've been there?
RW: a few times. They do have some rowdy bars over there. And besides I had to get Vinny Cat back for the sake of the BCW. Snake was tearing that place apart. And im still trying to forget when Ma$ was running everything there.

SM: It is safe to say that Rick Willis is no stranger to the squared circle, is it not?
RW: It would be very safe. I still am Undefeated in GGCW, and have only ref'd a little in BCW. All in all it's a very good time.

MG: What titles have you held?
RW: I never did waste my time with the little titles. I was stripped of the GGCW world title when they realized that I couldn't be beaten.

SM: What ring names have you worked under?
RW: Kid Rage is probably the most notable.

MG: Who is the biggest jerk behind the scenes?
RW: The Hoss has a pretty big ego behind the scenes. really he is the only one that Ive almost had a legit feud with.

SM: When you first had the surgery, there was a chance that you would never be able to return to in-ring competition. Can you say today that you’re definitely coming back?
RW: Unfortunately I will not be back to in-ring competition. I still have a music career and a budding movie career, i'm not going to throw that away, and thats what the doctors told me would happen. I take another bad bump and everything goes away.

SM: Who trained you?
RW: I trained a little under Vinny Cat. However the bulk of my training came from "The Repo Man" himself. He is a living legend after all.

MG: There are a lot of rumors flying around. Everyone seems to know something about your habits. Some say that you have a thing for, errr, substances.
RW: Only alcohol and ladies. If you want to call them substances feel free.

SM: Are you concerned about being stereotyped?
RW: People will always stereotype you no matter what. Its the way it has always been, and its never going to change. I don't conform to the
stereotypes.

MG: Which Brock do you identify with more, Lesner (WWE) or Landers (Boogie Nights)?
RW: Landers definately. Everyone has always tried to hold me down. And I have no desire to make a fool out of myself trying out for the NFL.

MG: Would you describe yourself as, more Addams Family or more Munsters?
RW: Definately Addams family. I kill bitches that annoy me.

SM: What superpower would you want to have?
RW: I want the Green Lantern's ring. Ill call that one power. That bitch is just bad. I'd wreck house with that ring.
MG: I think the Green Lantern is gay now, that is neither here nor there though.

SM: Mav or Mas?
RW: Mav. Mas is a weirdo. Its never time to dance.
SM: Idiot!

MG: LOTB or LCG?
RW: Lotb based on the fact that that he has straight teeth. Even though LCG does have a following of ladies.
MG: The lasies that LCG pulls have less teeth than a Jack-O-Lantern...
SM: Really!

SM: What's the deal with Nick Grande?
RW: I have no idea. I haven't seen him for a year. It seems that he's found himself a fox of a lady and doesn't know how to handle it.

MG: How would you like to be remembered?
RW: A beer drinkin good timing redneck.

MG: If you were the mayor of The ETL for one day, what would you do?
RW: I would exile Ma$ and bring back smoking in bars. I would also outlaw the mullet.

SM: When do you think Pony One will score again?
RW: 2004 is his year. Make no bones about it, he's out there tryin to love 'em.
SM: OK!, Rick is officially drunk!

MG: What's next for Kid Rick?
RW: World tour, ho's, drinkin. You name it. Hit every party that there is.

SM: Finally, is there anything you would like to say to your fans?
RW: Ho's get fucked they don't get kissed. Don't worry the Kid is going to be around for a long time to come.

MG: If we should all learn one thing from you... what would it be?
RW: Never pick up women in Pepperjacks. that should be the secret to life. Its all right to bring a woman there with you, just never ever ever ever ever ever, pick one up there.

[The Duke]

Are there any plans for upcoming new interviews?