Terribly Horrible Movies

[Ponyone]

Figured this was a much needed thread.
Post about awful movies that you see in here.


First up -

PULSE


First off - it should be a rule that horror movies cannot be rated PG-13. Apparently that means it will surely suck. Not only is there no violence or gore, this movie should have been rated G, as I'm certain a 5 year old could watch this and not even be remotely scared. Ice Age II was scarier.

The plot is this: A hacker somehow unleashes a virus which brings the dead back through computers and electronic devices. It's up to Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars) and some dude with a beard to save the world, although at first they were just trying to save themselves...or was it her boyfriend?....or maybe it was the city they lived in?...who knows...

From here on out we are subjected to some of the worst special effects and CGI shit ever on screen (next to The Mummy and Boogeyman of course), of a computer zombie thing that flickers and moves around in spurts like the creepy girl in The Ring. This zombie thing apparently must look at a victim dead in the eye and scream in their face in order to suck out its life force. Each time this happens in the movie it grows more and more stupid. After their life is sucked out, in roughly a day or week or two, they turn to computer animated ash. OK? So what...The strange thing is, that all this shit is going on, but there is no sense of urgency from anyone in the film and we don't even see but 5 other people besides the main characters though apparently these computer zombies are taking over the world. Nothing is explained whatsoever, like how the hell this guy made this virus or why-- and what do the dead want to come back so bad for anyways as computer graphic zombies? And apparently they all hang out at a building called the Computer Center down in the basement.

In closing, we bid farewell to Veronica Mars on the big screen as this terribly horrible film has surely ended that short career. And the funny thing is--I remember her saying in a Maxim interview about how she agreed to do a bathtub scene because it was essential to the film (ummm...no not at all) and don't worry you don't see a thing anyway.

[muthagoose]

FEAR OF THE DARK



Plot:
Twelve year old Ryan Billings has been diagnosed with an acute fear of the dark. He spends each night lying awake in torment, waiting and watching as the evil in the darkness grows stronger, feeding off his fear. His older brother Dale, suspects that there is nothing wrong with Ryan and that this is just a ploy for more attention. Regardless, he promises to watch over his little brother as their parents head off to a party for the night. Outside a storm rages and when the power goes out, darkness envelops the house. Ryan knows that tonight the evil has finally come to claim him. Dale desperately tries everything to try and calm him down, until the horrors in the dark make him realize Ryan had good reason to be so afraid!

Muthagoose Says: I rented this stinker a while back. It was billed as a horror movie but it feel short of scares. Everytime you thought something scary would happen... basically, it ends up being about a kid being afraid of the dark. The one this keeping this movie from being a Christian movie is Kirk Cameron. In Short... It sucked.

[muthagoose]

FEAR OF CLOWNS



Plot: A young painter (Jackie Reres) exorcises her coulrophobia (fear of clowns) in her work, but now one of her horrific images seems to have come to life and is killing off her friends and terrorizing her.

Everyone knows that there's almost nothing scarier than clowns, except really bad movies that has a clown as it's main focus. The acting, plot and camerawork make this film un-watchable. Hopefully, the sequel will be much better.

[MASON]

What about Wild Man?

[Southeast Jerome]

I'm pretty sure that, considering Frank "The DalaiSvengali" Lama took off with the funding for "Fear of Clowns 2" and headed to Tijuana in search of donkeys and prostitutes, "Fear of Clowns 2" will never see the light of day.

[muthagoose]

That is outrageous... just like The Passion!!!

[The Duke]

I love this thread! A posting about Don Scribner's Wild Man to come in the near future!

[The Duke]

Wild Man:

imdb.com/title/tt0098652/

www.donscribner.com/
Be sure to check out Don's new Album "I know the Devil".
www.myspace.com/donscribner

Wild Man is a movie my cousin and I discovered about 10 years ago or thereabouts. We were on a weekly quest back then to discover the worst movies possible. Discover them, we certainly did. We unearthed such winners as "Smooth Talker", "Bikini Car Wash Company", "Hot T-Shirts", and "Return to Savage Beach".

However, none of them top "Wild Man". In this fine cinematic treasure, Eric Wylde (portrayed by Don Scribner), is a former detective/undercover agent who gave up that life, and is now a rich casino owner. However, his enemy, Tommy Lee Smith, resurfaces, and Eric returns to his former career to wipe Smith out.

Along the way, Eric faces danger, women (who he "interacts" with standing up in one scene), and enemies. Eric foils a bank robbery, helps old people, and puts up with his annoying personal assistant.

Near the end, Smith's men have caught up with Eric and left him for dead, but the help of a supernatural magic ring, given to Eric by an Indian Cheiftain, restores his life. In the end, Eric blows up Smith's headquarters and saves the day.

If you get time, contact Don. I wrote him an e-mail a few summers ago, and he was kind enough to send me two autographs; one for me and one for Southeast Jerome.

[muthagoose]

Next up on the chopping block...

OPEN WATER 2: ADRIFT

Fatigue. Hypothermia. Death.

Plot Synopsis: A weekend cruise on a luxurious party yacht goes horribly wrong for a group of old high-school friends. They forget to let the ladder down before they jump into the ocean for a swim. The boat proves impossible to climb. They are stuck in the water many miles from shore, with baby Sara left alone on board. Sara's mother Amy must contend with her aqua-phobia as well as the group's increasing desperation, as the friends begin to turn on each other. Soon the exhaustion of keeping afloat and the struggle to get back on board begin to take a terrible toll. The happy reunion turns into a fight for survival...



Muthagoose Says:
Somewhere a exec is saying... "Open Water 2? Who greenlit this piece of shit!?!!"
I don't even have to see this to tell ya that it is gonna suck. Good to see they didn't waste to much cash on the graphics on the box (is that a lifejacket or some type of sea creature tentacle sucking her down?) or a plot... or anything really.

[muthagoose]

Double Dragon

Plot Outline:
Two brothers have half of a powerful ancient Chinese talisman. An evil gang leader has the other half, and determines to get the brothers' half and have a complete medallion so he can gain absolute power.

Plot Synopsis:
In the years following the great Los Angeles earthquake, two orphan are raised and trained in martial arts by Satori, who also happens to be the caretaker of one half of a magic amulet. When the evil Koga Shuko finds the other half, he immediately goes on the attack to take Satori's piece and claim the power contained within the amulet. Only Satori's two boys, Billy and Jimmy, can stop Koga from reaching his goal.



Verdict:
Should be loaded on a rocket and fired into the sun.

[Ponyone]

I nominate the new 'TMNT' movie, though it hasn't even been released yet.

[MASON]

What about "Transformers?"

[The Duke]

Damn, now Double Dragon may actually be worse than Wild Man! What about Dungeons and Dragons?

[muthagoose]

Dungeons and Dragons is terrible. I remember renting that years again and felt cheated! I lawsuit should be in order.

[muthagoose]

This just came out... and I am sure it is a lock that the suckage will not be in question...

The Dukes of Hazzard - The Beginning

Cousins Bo, Luke and Daisy are sent to Hazzard County, Georgia for the first time to live with their Uncle Jesse. Jesse is a farmer and a moonshiner and is constantly battling his old rival Boss Hogg who is the corrupt city commissioner of the small town. This film is a prequel set before the time period established in the 1979 Hit TV Series.

Note:

Here are the Plot Keywords listed on Amazon for the movie

"# Plot Keywords: Character Name In Title | Cleavage | Underwear | Moonshine | Buxom | Female Nudity | Nude Sunbathing | Sequel | Prequel | Topless"

LOL!

[The Duke]

Damn right! I think Willie Nelson returned for this one too!

[Ponyone]

HOUSE OF THE DEAD

This has long been talked about as a terribly horrible movie and may even be in this thread already.

Take 12 terrible actors and put them on some stupid island with the most ridiculous and crappy looking zombies ever made and thrown in some Matrix -like fight scenes and what you get is a huge turd.

Thats not it---the worst part is during the fight scenes, the screen flashes to scenes from the actual video game---that look freakin awful and are very abrupt.



Anyways, way to go people in ruining a good video game. There is also a House of the Dead 2 that runs on Sci-Fi, which is equally as bad.